Monday, December 23, 2013

(catching up a little bit.I had jotted these lines down a few weeks ago
 and then got waylaid and forgot to post them.)

We had an ice storm here and 240 000 people are still without power in
Toronto.

I keep asking myself why why why I suddenly lost interest in scrapping.
It all actually happened when I had the bad fall in January and broke my
 lower two vertebraes. Wished I could figure it out because from that day
 on I stopped scrapping. It just seems so odd because I loved scrapping so
 much and wished I could get back into it. It would help me over this
difficult time that I am going through right now but alas, I lost it. Maybe
it will come back but maybe it will never come back. Maybe age has
 something to do with it and/or I am bored and need a diversion.

Getting older? well, somehow my left hand is giving me problems and
 next week I have to go to an orthop. place to get a stint fitted to my left
 wrist to hold the thumb. Some days the pain is not so bad but I cannot
have anyone squeeze it anymore, nor even carry much or hold a bottle
 in it or whatever else.

Mario's last CT scan came back and the cells have been reduced. Now for
 one month he is having a break but we were told that the cells could come
 back twice as strong and the next chemo might not be as affective as the first
 one. To be really honest, there is not a day that goes by when my eyes don't
 fill up with tears and I feel like crying. I know it's not the time to cry yet
but I keep realizing what I will be missing. Forty one years is a lifetime
together and when we are not together, we talk on the phone. And of course,
neither one of us ever goes out without the other.

  I am trying to knit. I did finish a long long scarf that you wrap around
and let it fall loosely around and I also knitted one for Mario and Heidi. I
 also fixed a dress that I had bought on ebay and it was the wrong size.
Too small. So I bought matching linen fabric and added a kind of strip on
 the side and made it into a two piece. It's a Marilyn Anselm design for
 HOBBs one and I love it. Lol. I love linen. Anyway, that's done too. Now
 what's next? I suppose I could focus on some journaling?

I wish you all Very Happy Blessed Christmas. And of course, Great Health for 2014.

Thursday, December 5, 2013

recently I started making a draft of what I might like to write. I have accessed
 my blog a number of times but have nothing to say. Nothing clever or smart or intellectual. My brain is dried up right now and I just cannot find the words to
describe how I feel. I cry a lot. I wished the malls would not play Christmas
 Music yet. But we did go out yesterday and brought home a few bottles of
wine, both German and Italian ones. That is an essential in our home anyway
 and we just felt like it. I feel like sharing and wrapping my arms around you,
sometimes I want to just cry or scream and most of the time I am just tired.
 And scared. But I am so grateful for all your support, dear sweet wonderful
friends. It keeps me connected to my laptop and the internet - even when I
don't reply to emails. My blog is like my diary or my journals that I had
started and loved doing though right now I am really not doing very much
other than 'looking' at papers or perhaps a folder - and then kind of just leaving
it wherever.......maybe it's called 'random searching'???

Mario made it home....and I am slowly recovering
from all the hospital visits. My hip refused to adapt those long corridors.
It's a brand new hospital and it's huge.
 
In the meantime, also my kitty Arabella gave me some stress. She kept
visiting her litter box but without doing anything and of course, a red flag
went up. Stones, crystals, problems or an infection? So off to the vet.
She had bladder stones and needed surgery. Some $900 lighter
she is now recovering and starting to run around again behaving like a little
 kitty rather than an adult seven year old cat. She really is great company and I
 need her as much as she needs me.
 
Mario is bracing himself for another
 week of chemo next week and all we can do is pray that his heart can take
 it. The last chemo caused a heart attack - thankfully not a massive one, but
his heart is already badly weakened from previous MI's and it's all risky and
stressful. The good news is that the chemo has definitely reduced the cancer,
but we have not talked to his oncologist yet which won't be until next
 Tuesday. One day at a time or so they say....but you just don't realize
 that life is not about one day at a time. Not when you want to buy a new
 jacket or plan a vacation or even buying a ticket to a concert..... How can
you be positive when you know it's all a question of weeks or months? do
 you shut your brain down and stop feeling and thinking? when you hear
the Christmas carols in the malls, do you wonder if you are going to make
 it to Christmas even? how can you not cry or feel miserable?

Thank you ALL, thank you for your love and support.