Thursday, December 5, 2013

recently I started making a draft of what I might like to write. I have accessed
 my blog a number of times but have nothing to say. Nothing clever or smart or intellectual. My brain is dried up right now and I just cannot find the words to
describe how I feel. I cry a lot. I wished the malls would not play Christmas
 Music yet. But we did go out yesterday and brought home a few bottles of
wine, both German and Italian ones. That is an essential in our home anyway
 and we just felt like it. I feel like sharing and wrapping my arms around you,
sometimes I want to just cry or scream and most of the time I am just tired.
 And scared. But I am so grateful for all your support, dear sweet wonderful
friends. It keeps me connected to my laptop and the internet - even when I
don't reply to emails. My blog is like my diary or my journals that I had
started and loved doing though right now I am really not doing very much
other than 'looking' at papers or perhaps a folder - and then kind of just leaving
it wherever.......maybe it's called 'random searching'???

Mario made it home....and I am slowly recovering
from all the hospital visits. My hip refused to adapt those long corridors.
It's a brand new hospital and it's huge.
 
In the meantime, also my kitty Arabella gave me some stress. She kept
visiting her litter box but without doing anything and of course, a red flag
went up. Stones, crystals, problems or an infection? So off to the vet.
She had bladder stones and needed surgery. Some $900 lighter
she is now recovering and starting to run around again behaving like a little
 kitty rather than an adult seven year old cat. She really is great company and I
 need her as much as she needs me.
 
Mario is bracing himself for another
 week of chemo next week and all we can do is pray that his heart can take
 it. The last chemo caused a heart attack - thankfully not a massive one, but
his heart is already badly weakened from previous MI's and it's all risky and
stressful. The good news is that the chemo has definitely reduced the cancer,
but we have not talked to his oncologist yet which won't be until next
 Tuesday. One day at a time or so they say....but you just don't realize
 that life is not about one day at a time. Not when you want to buy a new
 jacket or plan a vacation or even buying a ticket to a concert..... How can
you be positive when you know it's all a question of weeks or months? do
 you shut your brain down and stop feeling and thinking? when you hear
the Christmas carols in the malls, do you wonder if you are going to make
 it to Christmas even? how can you not cry or feel miserable?

Thank you ALL, thank you for your love and support.


9 comments:

brenda Salzano said...

Just wanted to pop in again from the oceanteam site where I see you visited us and commented. ;-) Your blog is so lovely and full of feelings and sentiment. You must touch others every day with your words. For we are not alone in the world, we all are going through the ups and downs of life. When we share we are connecting with others in deep pain or joy.

In response to your last question on how can we be joyful or think ahead of something we might do when faced with things like you are, I would say that at age 62 I have learned that it is very important to think ahead and plan for dreams to be fulfilled or wonderful things we want to do. For this is called HOPE. Without Hope we perish. I urge you to give your hope wings and keep sending them up. This will give you strength and courage for all the days ahead. Cyber Hugs to you!
Brenda Salzano

Jeannette said...

You really are going through hard times Sabina. I am so sorry for you. I hope the chemo will go good this time, although I realize chemo is never easy. Try to take it day by day, find a little something each day that is positive. A little sunlight, a nice word, Arabella. It wont change things, but it may give you a feeling of hope, of comfort or peace.
I wish you all the best, you are in my thoughts regularly. I hope that some way Christmas will be good for you!

hugs Jeannette

Kinga A Niski said...

Have hope, believe and be strong ...
I have you both in my prayers ...
God bless you! XOXO

Anonymous said...

Hello dearest, so happy your fella is home, always makes things better...will have to fill you in sometimes on my life and times, almost left this world in July, but I'm a fighter, am now a newbie great grandmother as well, and Leslie (new grandma), her daughter Jordyn (new mommy), and Arya Kira, the most beautiful little great granddaughter ever, all live in our home, with, 4 cats, one bird, one snake. We are our own zoo! Love and Hugz, Ferryl

Anonymous said...

Hello dearest, so happy your fella is home, always makes things better...will have to fill you in sometimes on my life and times, almost left this world in July, but I'm a fighter, am now a newbie great grandmother as well, and Leslie (new grandma), her daughter Jordyn (new mommy), and Arya Kira, the most beautiful little great granddaughter ever, all live in our home, with, 4 cats, one bird, one snake. We are our own zoo! Love and Hugz, Ferryl

diane.ca said...

Dear Sabina, thank you for keep all of us who care about you informed. Take one day at a time and try to enjoy all the small pleasures to the fullest. Hugs to you and Mario dear friend.

Balinda (RebelChick) said...

Dearest Sabina,
I have only read this posting as I have been wrapped up in my own life and a near death with my Dad that had him 99 days in the hospital. I will catch up on the rest of your postings but in the meantime I am loving you and praying for you and your family earnestly.

Emily Walsh said...

I was reading up on your post and had quick question about your blog. I was hoping you could email me back when you get the chance~

Emily

Kait said...

Dear Miss Sabina, just stopping by to let you know that I am thinking of you and your husband.

When you have the time, stop by my blog and check out the card that I posted for you there.
http://simply-kait.blogspot.com/
kait_gnzlz@yahoo.com