Sunday, February 10, 2013

I am trying very hard not to start breaking down or crying but there are times
 when I am close. It’s the feeling of helplessness and yet having to be
grateful for all the help I am getting..... it drives me insane to be dependent
 and see things not done MY way – but I am working on progress...... thank-
fully now I am able to use the bathroom - somewhat. OMG.......and still, it’s
 not that easy.  And yet the mere fact that I can get to the bathroom is a
 blessing. Thank God.

I saw myself in the mirror for the first time in almost
 three weeks. WELLLLLL, you can imagine the shock. My face certainly
will need a make-over, hahahaaaaa. Seriously, I am going to contrive a
hairwash somehow. And just imagine the small task of washing your hands
in the sink! does one ever really think about that function???????? I know
that I did not. You just turn the taps on and wash your hands. Simple. Well,
 not for me right now. I now have to think about it because I need to be
 careful not to bend or stand too long and if I want to wash my hands, it’s
one hand first and then the other and then kind of rinse them as quickly as
 possible before the pain takes over. LOL. And then back to bed and rest
 for a while, and after a while get back to the washroom to perhaps brush
 my teeth, or wash my face. Never both functions all in one go.
For most of the day and night I am of course still flat on my back, but even
when I am able to sit up in bed for a while, I can just see the skyline from
 my window. The trees are too far away but every now and then I see a bird
 flying by. And sometimes snowflakes falling down but most of the window
 shows clouds and the infinity of the sky. Infinity. You want to touch it, and
 go out there and be a part of it. I miss being a part of the world around me,
the chirping of the birds, even the noise of cars going by and I thought about
 those poor souls that will be imprisoned forever in a room somewhere in
 some neglected nursinghome or being shut away in their own home with
just the occasional human contact. Dear God, what a dismal world for them
 and how fortunate I am compared to it. My soul is still soaring and allowed
 its freedom even though limited for a time, but I am free and even though
my wings are clipped for now, I still have hope that soon I can spread
 them again wide open and fly once more.

(the page below I created a few weeks before my accident. I thought it
really fits in nicely with my thoughts.)

8 comments: said...

Hang in there Sabina, you are improving each day and slowly moving forward even at times when it does not feel that way.
Thinking of you and and sending best wishes from the land of sunshine and blue skies.

DogArtist said...

Oh you do sound beside yourself. try not to worry too much - you have made progress! Amazing how the body works in everyone. My stepfather fell last week (caused sveral compression fractures too)and is able to get around - albeit with a walker...but he had the surgery so...
All I know is you just need to forge forward! You will make it!! We all miss you...I know I do :D
hugs and love - think positive.

Sabina Pamphili said...

ohhhhh no, no, no, Amy. I am not beside myself at all. It's reality right now. And for someone like me, it's not easy to accept help.
Surgery? not for me. My bones are still fine. No osteoporosis, no need for surgery. I am healing fine, thank God. Patience has never been one of my good points. Lol. Love ya.

Balinda said...

I continue to keep you in my prayers and sending love and hugs across the miles. ♥

CarolW said...

Good morning dear, I hope this day brings more improvement for you. To us it seems you are making great improvement but I know how it is when you want to do it all yourself. Yes, patience is a virtue and you are getting lots of practice. Hang in there, we will be doing our journals in just a short time.

Love you, keep the faith.

Scrappie Irene said...

Oh, Sabina, I really really hope you will feel better soon! My husband knows how your pain must feel. I can only guess....
Big hugs, Irene

Ferryl said...

Oh dear Sabina, I had no idea, what a state of affairs, I wish I could be there and help you out, but I'm so hoping that you'll come thru this, at least there's been a bit of progress! I don't know what to do except some love and hugs and say a little ongoing prayer. Will be thinking about you, lots! More love, Ferryl

Jeannette said...

Sorry for being absent for a while, sometimes I just need to be with myself. I read your post a few days ago and I read the part about being grateful. I hate being grateful. I've been raised to be grateful, not for any particular reason, but simply because it's your mom who does everything for you and simply because it's your mom you have to be grateful. No one loves you more then your mom, no matter if she shows it, no matter if she tells you, no matter if she is proud of you, it's your mom so you need to be grateful. That's why it took me a few days to respond. I know, when people do things for you, when they help you, you have to say thanks. I know it, but isn't it normal somehow that you help the ones you love? Do you really have to be grateful, simply cause the help? What if you don't like what they do for you?
O no, here I go again, complaining about my life, while I should be thinking of yours right now!
I do feel for you, it's been five days since you posted, so I hope you feel a bit better every day. I understand your page I think, I do get comfort from nature. I love walking with our dog and look around to see all the little wonders out there. The birds, the animals, the snow falling from heaven. It brings joy and comfort and I cherish it.
Wishing you all the best Sabina, I can't wait to see you all better and active on the forum again!
Hugs Jeannette