Friday, February 22, 2013

Face Without the Mask

(my layout ‘My Face without the Mask’ was uploaded about a year
 ago to my personal gallery in and
received an amazing amount of recognition.....).

I followed it up with the one I called 'I know Who I Am'......

The text reads:
'Without the Mask' is a journal that I started many years ago to write
 about my life, my deepest pain and highest joys. I bared my soul with
 it but it was only a journal. They say, a picture is worth a thousand
words and maybe the combination of both will leave a memory behind
 for my children to really know more about me and my soul - my entire Self.

Most people walk through life with pretense and hiding behind it and
 removing the mask is only given to few people.. It takes strength, courage
 and passion - and I have been blessed with all three. Because I know who
 I am.... I know my life has been very different from what is considered
 ‘normal’ and there are times when I wished I could go back in time and
 take a different path than the one I took.. I wished I could be hard and tough
 at times instead of being too soft and crying over things that I cannot change anyway.... let the impossible still be possible...

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Day 29 - Four whole weeks

Day 29 - Four whole weeks spent almost entirely on my back....that is,
out of my entire waking day I am off my back for about half an hour in all.
 When you are limited to this level, you start counting the minutes it takes
 you to brush your teeth or wash your face. Or walk to the kitchen to
 finish off the dishes i.e. two plates, a glass and perhaps a cup, knife and
Yesterday I had my second shower in four weeks and washed my hair.
Of course I pay for it a few hours later by the increase in pain but
who cares? I am advancing and improving and God, am I glad or what?
I am totally delighted - if I stop to think about it. Four weeks ago I was
unable to even turn or move at all.....Now the walker is standing forlorn
 in a deserted corner - I am purposely ignoring it and limping along with
 the help of a cane. Me and my independence. No wonder 'someone up
there' is trying to tell me something.....!
Our youngest came to visit together with my little Victoria who took it all
in her stride. I am sure she does not like to see her Nana so helpless
 but I think I managed to convey my confidence over to her. I shall be
walking again.  

Saturday, February 16, 2013

Any of us, when we don't feel well or are sick, we want to go home. I know I do. I want to go home so badly that it almost hurts. This song really says it all:

The hills are alive with the sound of music
With songs they have sung for a thousand years
The hills fill my heart with the sound of music
My heart wants to sing every song it hears
My heart wants to beat like the wings of the birds
that rise from the lake to the trees
My heart wants to sigh like a chime that flies from a church on a breeze
to laugh like a brook when it trips and falls over stones on its way
To sing through the night like a lark who is learning to pray;
I go to the hills when my heart is lonely;
I know I will hear what I've heard before,
My heart will be blessed with the sound of music
And I'll sing once more ....

(my youngest used to watch 'The Sound of Music' every year at Christmas. She still does, now together with her little daughter. Almost a tradition!)

going home
at home, looking down the valley

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I am trying very hard not to start breaking down or crying but there are times
 when I am close. It’s the feeling of helplessness and yet having to be
grateful for all the help I am getting..... it drives me insane to be dependent
 and see things not done MY way – but I am working on progress...... thank-
fully now I am able to use the bathroom - somewhat. OMG.......and still, it’s
 not that easy.  And yet the mere fact that I can get to the bathroom is a
 blessing. Thank God.

I saw myself in the mirror for the first time in almost
 three weeks. WELLLLLL, you can imagine the shock. My face certainly
will need a make-over, hahahaaaaa. Seriously, I am going to contrive a
hairwash somehow. And just imagine the small task of washing your hands
in the sink! does one ever really think about that function???????? I know
that I did not. You just turn the taps on and wash your hands. Simple. Well,
 not for me right now. I now have to think about it because I need to be
 careful not to bend or stand too long and if I want to wash my hands, it’s
one hand first and then the other and then kind of rinse them as quickly as
 possible before the pain takes over. LOL. And then back to bed and rest
 for a while, and after a while get back to the washroom to perhaps brush
 my teeth, or wash my face. Never both functions all in one go.
For most of the day and night I am of course still flat on my back, but even
when I am able to sit up in bed for a while, I can just see the skyline from
 my window. The trees are too far away but every now and then I see a bird
 flying by. And sometimes snowflakes falling down but most of the window
 shows clouds and the infinity of the sky. Infinity. You want to touch it, and
 go out there and be a part of it. I miss being a part of the world around me,
the chirping of the birds, even the noise of cars going by and I thought about
 those poor souls that will be imprisoned forever in a room somewhere in
 some neglected nursinghome or being shut away in their own home with
just the occasional human contact. Dear God, what a dismal world for them
 and how fortunate I am compared to it. My soul is still soaring and allowed
 its freedom even though limited for a time, but I am free and even though
my wings are clipped for now, I still have hope that soon I can spread
 them again wide open and fly once more.

(the page below I created a few weeks before my accident. I thought it
really fits in nicely with my thoughts.)

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Day 19: I created this of course, originally, for Christmas but looking at it six weeks later it means more to me than just something I created for Christmas. I gain strength from it and hope and faith that soon I will be able to walk again at least a few steps - without any help. So far, it's been a long journey for me. For someone as independent as I am it has been hell. And thank God for our Canadian Health Care Service, because without it I would have had to go into a respite or Hospital. At least I am home with my little kitty Arabella who is still appearing traumatized. She had not purred for 18 days since I fell but just started yesterday with a pathetic little purr. If I leave my bed, she is right by my feet, crying and looking at me. I cannot believe just how upset she is
 and what a great comfort she provides.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

DAY 15

Day 15 and here I am, still stuck in bed with the occasional sitting up on
 the edge of the bed helped by my dear bed rail and the inevitable walker
 waiting for me to grab it and stand up for a few seconds. Well, I am standing
 up for about one or two minutes.... but never far away from the edge of the
 bed. I have been told so many times to 'slow down', smell the roses.....relax.....

I wonder if anyone of my
 friends realize that I HAVE
ROSES. For the last twenty years!
Living life the way I want,
enjoying my freedom to do
as I please and when and how.

Lying in bed has given me
ample time to think about
 'smelling the roses' and
believe me, reading a book
no matter how great a book
 or listening to music or having a meaningful conversation (of which
 I am having plenty these days) is not my idea of smelling roses when
 you are not given the freedom to choose. I love all of the above
provided I am free to decide if that is what I want at that moment.

Don't get me wrong: I am improving... Today I got inspired once more
by Diane to look at some Altered Art Journals and from there you go on
and discover other things. This afternoon my husband surprised me with
two books that I will covet. One is the perfect old book for me to work on
for my 'Silk Route Journal'. The other he found today in the local library
for $1 and I can tear it apart and use it for another journal.....Now all I need
is the ability to get into my studio and find my gesso or my oils or even just
 glue.....and time will fly by once more..... (the reason why I was so pleased
about the book for the Silk Route Journal is because it already has some
maps in it and loads of pictures of the path that Marco Polo travelled.
And it is special because I have the faint suspicion that my husband
really has no idea when I talk to him about art journals or Altered Art....
he just sits and smiles - and obviously acted and made me happy because
I spent hours today (literally all afternoon and part evening) removing
lots of the actual pages to make room for my own to be inserted....)

I really miss creating. Below are
 two digital pages I created prior to having my fall. Hope you like it.